I cry at night

Thinking of yesterday

How we started with "I love you" every night
Holding each other close in embrace
And in my dreams you are,
I refuse to wake up with all my might.

I cry at night

Thinking of yesterday

How you held my hand so tight
And even from the distance, the glances you steal at me
The way you talk with such kindness
And made my day, my steps so light

I cry at night

Thinking of yesterday

The happy girl I was, who knew nothing of the world.
The sweet thing we are, the way I called you "senior".
The girl who cares none other than you.
The girl who ran and hugged you on your fifteenth birthday.
The girl who fell in love with you.
I miss her too.

I cry at night

Thinking of yesterday

Where you would heal my wounds and not create them.
Where I would be dying to talk to you rather than avoiding you.
Where I would go to you when i'm sad instead of writing.

I cry at night

Thinking of yesterday

When I was the only girl on your heart
And in mine was nothing but happiness. And you. And the moments we shared.
The hugs we secretly give to each other.

I still remember vividly how slowly we grew apart.

I cry at night

Thinking of today

How much we had changed

I cry at night

So console me

Do you still love me like you did yesterday?

Hurts so much

So very much

And you're no longer here to listen

I wish

Honestly I would love to be like all those girls, who could accompany you wherever you go, who could bring you water to your basketball practice, who could spend time every saturday night just staring into each others eyes.

I would love to be that kind of girl who could answer your call anytime, who will accompany you through video-chats at night, who would fall asleep on screen just so you could stare and admire. I wish I knew how to act a bit warmer, and not let the pressure on me get spilled onto you either.

I wished that I was cute and skinny, with long beautiful hair and gleaming eyes. Oh I wish I was a bit taller to. You know, so that you could brag about me to your friends.

And it's not that I didn't try. I bought heels to become taller, I tried makeup to look prettier, I slept later to talk to you, but I guess my efforts weren't even close to what those other girls are doing.

Instead I am busy writing essays, speeches, researching, and acting like our love is nonexistent. I realized that I might not live up to your expectations, and that you try to tolerate all my absence. I also realized that now I have absolutely no rights to get upset if you didn't get me flowers, if you ignored me, because I was doing the same thing, wasn't I?

Honestly, I wish...that I could be like those other girls.